Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
