That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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