Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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