btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
