I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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