Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
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So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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