and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
handjob tips. give me some.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
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My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
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TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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