I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
