Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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