Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
