so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
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I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
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Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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