a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
