I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
