so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Please don't give away my fajitas
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
