Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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