Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
