M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
someone owes me an orgasm
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
