Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
