Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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