Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
