i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
