I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
