nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
