I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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