so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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