last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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