I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
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im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
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My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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