Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
