Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
