Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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