this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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