I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
