either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
