i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
