he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
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I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
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I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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