wrigley field is MILF paradise
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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