How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
