i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
