it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize