i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
