my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
