Girls should come with a carfax report
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
