I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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