Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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