i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
