Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
