I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
