I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
