final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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