She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
