Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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