It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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