I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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