If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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